surrealist erotic fiction

while at my last job I had much free time, and during some of that free time I started writing surrealist erotic fiction to my girlfriend. Here is one of the last one's (in a moment of panic I might have lost the original, but I'll find it and post it later)

Reginald lay back on the crumpled haystack and sighed the long beautiful sigh of post coital joy. It had been a magnificent ejaculation, even if he did say so himself. He gave a brief look at Holly, who seemed to have also enjoyed the experience, for she was staring at the barn ceiling with the vague look you get when you seem to have forgotten how to use your legs.
‘Wow’ she said between the heavy breathes, to confirm Reginalds suspicions that her knees were certainly a quiver. ‘Wow’ she repeated ‘Thanks’ he smiled back without looking at her, smiling up at the rivets and internally giving a high five to his quite unbelievable penis.
He remembered how, as a child, he was mocked in the locker rooms of his local swimming pool. ‘Oooh, it’s all bumpy’ cringed the girls ‘It looks like an old sausage with warts’ giggled the boys It was amazing how ashamed he once felt. But it wasn’t until he was thrust into the obscure damp world of puberty, that the true mastery of his trouser package proved its true wonder.
He was watching his favourite afternoon show in his favourite chair with his favourite banana, peanut butter and leek sandwiches.
Suddenly upon the TV he saw a magnificent creature. Her golden hair flowed onto her blue dungarees like a curly waterfall of lemon jelly.
He felt something in his Batman underwear he had never felt before. A Longing A desire A Hardening Looking around nervously he considered calling for his mother, but he knew she was busy with the Shrimp. His father was at work, and his sister was never of any help unless it involved calling him obscure names. He decided it was best to investigate this new predicament, and pulled down his trousers. His penis, once lumpy and looking like an elongated mouldy potato was suddenly transformed. It now resembled a zombie hand, plunged out of the earth, ready to reek it’s brain ravaged vengeance on the world. The young Reginald stood awed at the change that had occurred in his nether regions. And wondered what else his body could show him. He dared to touch the newly discovered phalletic wonder, and investigate the height depth and girths of this beautiful monstrosity.
To his astonishment his man sausage was no longer the spongy fleshy floppy appendage his hand was used to holding. It was somehow defying gravity and hanging in mid air, like an autumnal branch, devoid of leaves.
He held it is his hands and a sensation like never before rippled through his whole body It was as if his testicles had been given a marshmallow to toast. A new Toy car to play with A new ant to mutilate under a magnifying glass It felt fantastic. It was as if his penis had been given a puppy, and then discovered after hours of playing and getting bored with the puppy and now hungry, it was in fact made of chocolate.
He was bewildered by these new thoughts rushing through his head like salmon through a bear infested river. Suddenly Linda, the pigtailed girl in his mathematics class was a siren of magnificent beauty.
Olivia, the bakery assistant was no longer simply the hands that held the tongs that held is jam doughnuts. And had somehow transformed into a vixen of heaving bosoms and winks.
All thanks to one tug of his bulging rod of wonder. To his absolute astonishment his fleshy truncheon of desire was still moving, growing of its own accord. With each pull and grip upon his gracious shaft, it changed, manoeuvring, like an obscure blow up mattress with a hearty blower with their mouth around the nozzle.
More images flooded his mind. His best friend Jimmy’s sister Sophia and the way she walked with a wiggle and a shake The weather girls his father always grunted about while drinking beer His teacher Miss Wanderslice and the way she collected crumbled paper from the floor Reginald opened his eyes and looked down at the full brilliance of his manhood. It was as long as the 9 inch mark on his ruler, and to his utter disbelief, it was an exact replica of Nelsons Column. He delicately caressed every bump and crevice of the statuesque appendage and felt his knee’s considering their usual stance of rigidness.
Suddenly he felt a pleasurable cramp in his sweaty, bald personal fun bag and without even thinking his eyes rolled back, he bit his lip, and before he could stop it, Nelson Head exploded in a shower of sticky white wonder all over his mothers newly bought rug.
The next day he ran to school so excited. Eager to learn if his friends had discovered their own personal trouser monuments.
As the bell rang for their first break, he quickly rounded up as many people as possible to inform and show them of the testicular miracle his underwear hid.
In a small circle behind the bike sheds he dropped his school shorts and fondled the flesh package with thoughts of his new favourite soap opera star.
The boys looked on in petrified admiration as the bumby pink tube slowly became a towering pole of love. The girls felt their hymens quiver and tense. And just as Reginald was about to complete the moment, Mrs Russlemouth, the school Librarian entered the circle, to see his Column throb with pubesant delight to an adoring crowd.
‘REGINALD BARKLEY MASSACUSES!” she shrieked in that voice that only old Librarians are capable of The throng of young admirers scattered like rice dropped onto the kitchen floor in a drunken moment of munchies, and all that was left was a sweating young Reginald, shorts around his ankles, and a throbbing flesh pole stick out from his beneath his pale blue uniform shirt.
He gulped his fear down as Mrs Russelmouth stood open mouthed at the sight in front of her. She had only read about Penis’s in books. Yet none of the respected medical journals had ever noted upon the contusions and shapeliness of this…majestic creature.
Her mind raced with thoughts and desires. She had not been so excited since she first discovered the vibrate feature on her mobile phone (she enjoyed both silence and vibration)
‘Pull up your shorts and come with me young man!’ she sternly shouted. Embarrassed and quickly blushing he followed her instructions and trailed behind her to the intrigued and giggling looks of the schoolyard throng.
Behind her he scampered and considered his fate. Would he be expelled? Would he be forced to tell the evil Headmaster Mr Serganhoose what he had done? Would it be chopped off? He considered a life without his newly discovered ability. That was not a life he wished to live. Should he make a break for it? Should he dramatically leap out of the open window they were about to pass, head for the woods and start a new life among the squirrels and badgers?
Would they too exclude him for his strangely shaped manhood? Do forest creatures also have strange dongs? While in the midst of considerations upon the penetic qualities of woodland animals, he didn’t even notice that they walked straight past the Headmasters office, down the corridor, up the stairs, and all the way to the Library.
Ms Russellmouth knew the Library well, having worked there for most of her life. She knew that for the next 2 hours, no student would enter. No teacher would come through. No prying eyes would be upon them.
But just to be safe she locked the door. Reginald stood there petrified and confused at what was happening. Ms Russellmouth slowly turned around to face him, intrigue in her eyes, and while Reginald would have no concept of this for many years, her vagina was moistening like cheese left out on the counter on a hot day
‘Reginald…what were you doing out there for the other children?’ she asked with her normal crisp pronunciation Reginald looked around nervously and could only produce an ‘Erm’ ‘Come on now Reginald, tell me’ ‘I…I’ ‘You had your penis out, didn’t you’ her eyes burrowed into him like a mole on speed ‘Erm…yes’ he felt like a frog on a hot plate Like an alien on an autopsy table Like the final Brussels sprout in a roast ‘Show me’ Reginald was a simple boy who had never been told much in the way of sexual education. So he done as he was told and whipped it out
The walk and fear had returned his member back into the squidgy squashy Quasimodo of an appendage it had been for so many years.
Ms Russellmouth looked at it with vigour ‘Play with yourself’ she told him over her glasses